The Importance of Rest for Reactive Dogs

One thing that all dog owners have in common is wondering just how much exercise do our dogs need. What is the right amount? I get asked this a lot, especially in relation to reactive dogs. A mix of their genetics and reactivity often turns them into little balls of energy that don’t seem to have an off button. They can explode in a burst of energy when they see or hear a trigger, and even in the absence of triggers they can appear agitated. Over the years, I heard some dog trainers advise that reactive dogs need more exercise than normal dogs because “if they are tired and exhausted, they won’t have the energy to bark at their triggers.” 

However well-meaning this advice may be, it can only come from someone who has never lived with a reactive dog full-time and doesn’t have a deep understanding of how fear works. No matter how tired your dog gets, they will still be afraid of the same things. Tiredness does not eradicate fear. Not in humans, not in dogs. This doesn’t mean that exercise doesn't play a role at all, though — of course it does! A dog that is well-exercised and has their primal instincts satisfied is in a much better mindset. They are happier, calmer, and more susceptible to learning new things. A dog who is exploding from extra energy is going to have a harder time being introduced to new situations than a dog who has just been fulfilled through his favorite game. But don’t mistake calm fulfillment with making your dog run 20km and then expecting him not to bark at other dogs anymore — if they are barking out of fear that won’t happen! What will happen is you will end up with a dog who is now physically and mentally exhausted! Unfortunately, we cannot exercise reactivity out of our dogs.

There is something we don’t talk about enough when it comes to reactive dogs and exercise, something that is so important but often gets overlooked: REST. Your reactive dog might need more rest than a normal dog their age!!!! Overstimulating a reactive dog not only hinders their rehabilitation, but it can actually make their condition even worse.

Fear is exhausting. Constantly being in the fight fear response (barking, lunging, snapping) is exhausting! Even if it’s just a short outburst, your dog puts all of their energy into it. Think about any past moment when you felt scared to death — think about what it did to your body. You felt the heat rush up, your limbs were tingling, there was shortness of breath, your heartbeat was racing. Experiencing fear and panic is stressful for the body. In the first two or three years, any time Bailey barked hysterically at a trigger (and she barked several times a day, every damn day), she could not calm down afterwards for a very long time. She was agitated, nervous, and hyped even a whole hour later.

The best way for your dog to decompress after a reactive response is through rest. 

THE PILLARS OF REST

1 — QUALITY SLEEP TIME: Dogs need way more sleep time than most owners realize. On average, a healthy adult dog should sleep about half of their day. One of the worst things you can do for your dog’s mental health is keep waking them up after they’ve just fallen asleep. Nobody likes that! Plan your outings in a way that gives them larger blocks of time for sleep. Dogs (especially rescues and fearful dogs) LOVE routines; they provide predictability, which makes our dogs feel safe. Try to build a consistent routine around your dog’s rest time!

2 — PEACE AND QUIET: Most of us need peace and quiet for quality sleep. Think about what it’s like to fall asleep in a very loud house or while the upstairs neighbors are moving the furniture again at 3am. While some dogs can indeed fall into deep sleep in loud environments, reactive dogs seldom fall into this category. Fearful dogs need a quiet place to sleep in. This place should be somewhere they feel safe and are not constantly bothered by other pets, children, or adults. My reactive Bailey loves to sleep in my bed under the covers, or in her Cozy Cave Snoozer bed (hashtag not sponsored). She adores my other dog Chilly, and tolerates my cat Shadow, but I still make sure she has some alone time almost every day. She LOVES to sleep — much more than the other two! This makes sense, because the world feels more overwhelming to her. It’s my job to make sure she gets a few hours of uninterrupted rest every single day. In some way, reactive dogs remind me of toddlers; if they don’t have their scheduled nap time, they turn into little devils. 😉

3 — ZERO TRIGGER TIMEZONE: Your reactive dog needs not just space without their triggers, but also time without their triggers. Reactive dogs usually have more than one trigger, which means they get overwhelmed very quickly. If this happens to them on a daily basis, their reactivity can become a lot worse. Don’t overexpose them to everything at once in an attempt to “make them get used to it.” What will end up happening is your dog’s nervous system will only get more dysregulated, making them even more prone to reacting, perhaps even to things they didn’t react to before. Avoiding highly-triggering situations is a big component of rest! If you’re worried about this negatively impacting your dog, or you simply don’t know how to start, you can sign up for my FREE 5-day email training where I describe this process in more detail.

4 — FOLLOW YOUR DOG’S CUES: Most dogs will show you that they are tired, but you might miss their cues if you are not paying attention. Observe how your dog is acting when they are visibly tired. Then go a step back and think about how they were acting right before you noticed their tiredness. Some signs of tiredness can be panting, lying down a lot, pulling you back towards home, slower walking, sudden irritability, not wanting to cuddle, shorter attention-span, and more. Every dog is different, so if you have more than one dog you’ll have to recognize these cues for each of your dogs individually. My Bailey will literally come stare at me from close proximity until I take her into the bedroom to sleep.😂 Chilly shows a disinterest in toys or lies down in the most random places. Read your dog’s cues and follow your dog’s lead — don’t push them into overexercising if they’re subtly showing you they need a break!

5 — ENCOURAGE REST: Some dogs have a hard time expressing that they are tired and need to rest. This often happens in working breeds or dogs with very strong working instincts (such as prey instinct, pulling instinct, herding instinct, etc.). My Bailey is the biggest sleepyhead in the world — but Chilly? Absolutely not. Chilly is a border-aussie mix, so he is genetically wired to be “on” most of the day. In dogs that don’t seem to have “an off switch,” tiredness often shows up as hyperactivity. You’ve taken your dog outside, he’s gone to the bathroom, he’s been active, he’s had his meals and his cuddles … but he’s still bouncing from wall to wall. I speak to many dog owners who believe their dog is never tired or that no amount of exercise is enough. My advice is always the same: your dog needs to learn how to rest. While Chilly is not reactive, he has always been one to obsessively lick himself (and everything around him), when he’s unable to calm down. He’ll also pace around the room, try to get attention in any way he can, jump up and run to the doors, etc. I understand where this behavior comes from; he lived on the street for the first 9 months of his life, so I assume he didn’t really have the time to properly experience the comfort and relaxation of deep rest (one that puppies normally experience next to their mother and litter-mates). Sometimes we simply have to teach our dogs how to rest! Chilly was my personal greatest teacher of this lesson. Rest doesn’t come naturally to all dogs — and let’s not pretend that it comes naturally to all of us, either. 

HOW TO ENCOURAGE REST

Choose a safe and peaceful place for your dog. Start with just one or two places, so they can really start connecting it with sleep. This should be designated as their place to rest and should not be accessible to other pets and humans, at least at the beginning. When you first invite your dog to stay in that place, I doubt they’ll want to do it for very long. This is where the teaching comes in. Reinforce staying at their place by giving them a very special chew toy or another similar mental activity that they have to work at for at least 20-30min. I find that snuffle mats and licky mats work wonders! At the beginning of this process, only give this specific enrichment activity at the designated rest place. We are building a positive connection to the rest place!

The next step is to leave your dog completely alone. Don’t talk to your dog or try to pet them or in any other way disrupt their process of calming down. Your dog needs to start connecting this designated place with rest + enrichment activity + being unbothered. By leaving them completely alone in these beginning stages, you will reduce the input they get from you — the input that keeps them in the state of excitement. I’m sure you’ve heard about people doing a “dopamine detox” by taking a break from social media. This is something similar, except it’s your dog that needs a break from their source of dopamine — you. 🙃

When they are done with the chew toy, continue giving them space so they can feel the tiredness. The more they feel it, the sooner they can act on it. You might notice that they get up, drink some water, walk around … and then return back to their place to fall asleep. Don’t engage with them in this stage of the process; remember the dopamine detox analogy! Give them some time to find a suitable way to satisfy their need to rest. Once your dog gets used to this routine and becomes more accustomed to taking naps, the extra enrichment toy won’t be necessary anymore. (Just don’t rush this process, and even if your dog always needs some kind of mental enrichment right before they fall asleep that’s okay too!!!)

You’ll be surprised when you see how quality rest improves your reactive dog’s emotional responses. I see a massive change in Bailey when she is well-rested! Because reactive dogs spend a significant amount of time overwhelmed by fear, they need to decompress from those fearful experiences. In short — the more reactive and easily-triggered your dog is, the more rest they need! 

How do you approach rest with your reactive dog? Do you feel they need more rest than other dogs? Have you ever fallen into the trap of over-exercising your dog in the hope of mending their reactivity? I’d love to hear your stories and experiences in the comments! 🖤🖤

When Your Family Doesn't Understand Your Reactive Dog

One of the hardest things about having a reactive dog is not, actually, the reactive dog. It’s other people around us. Our closest people don’t always understand why we have this dog, why is the dog always barking, why can’t the dog play with the kids, why won’t we let them off the leash, why can’t we just tell them to stop lunging, etc. Our reactive dog is a very complex being and it’s a very special kind of ache when our closest people can’t see this complexity. In their view, the solutions are simple. In our view, they are difficult - we have already tried all the simple ones, haven't we? In today’s blog post I’m going to share my personal journey of how I found peace within my closest relationships despite having a reactive dog that nobody understood.

My story begins back in 2012 when I first adopted Bailey. She turned out to be the most paranoid puppy I have ever seen. I expressed my concerns to the people around me and the consensus was clear: “Don’t worry, she’ll grow out of it.” I wanted to believe that with my whole heart, even though it was more than obvious that Bailey was NOT a normal puppy. She hated people, children, other dogs, ALL sounds, the rain, cars, bikes, and everything else that either moves or produces noise. She hardly ever slept because she couldn’t relax enough to rest. I never expected to be so exhausted just from caring for a puppy; I wonder to this day how we ever moved through those first months. I think I was so high on love and joy that she has brought into my life that everything else just paled in comparison. 

I have known her as my soulmate from the second I held her in my arms, and when you love someone so intensely, the hard things don’t really seem so hard.

It took me an entire year to admit to myself that Bailey has problems - and it took me two to three more years to fully explain the extent of these problems to my family and friends. My mom thought I should just let Bailey bark at everything. “Who cares,” she said, “dogs bark!” My friends thought Bailey just needs to get used to everything she’s scared of, so I have to keep exposing her, no matter how big of a meltdown she has. My younger sisters said I was hogging my dog because I didn’t let them go for walks with Bailey without adult supervision (they were 11, I was 19). I wanted to have a joyful puppy experience, I wanted everyone in my life to be involved … but I didn’t expect Bailey to be so challenging. I felt like everybody thought I was crazy, I felt like an incompetent dog owner, totally fussing over nothing, overreacting, and spoiling fun for everyone.

Still, I knew. I knew Bailey was afraid to death. No external pressure could override this instinct.

I knew exposing her to dogs wasn’t working. I knew letting strangers touch her was doing her damage. I knew I couldn’t trust her to an 11 year old who has never handled a hysterical dog before. My first line of defense was to focus on finding training support and information on what is actually going on with Bailey. My family’s opinions had to take a backseat because I needed to focus on Bailey’s rehabilitation. Once I found credible dog trainers, got solid advice, attended seminars, and read some books, I felt much more optimistic about our future. Of course, this didn’t all happen overnight and there was a lot of trial and error with every small change I implemented. But there was one very unexpected thing that I didn’t count on - the people in my life still didn’t understand Bailey and they still didn’t support our training process. 

I was extremely hurt and completely exasperated. A friend who never had dogs told me my dog trainer’s advice was no good. My family insisted that Bailey is just poorly trained and not actually afraid. Everybody kept telling me I’m over-complicating things. Most of all, I remember my training boundaries being crossed and ignored over and over and over again. Bailey’s personal space constantly got invaded when she was eating, chewing a treat, or resting. Guests came over unannounced, sometimes with their own dogs. She kept being touched and handled, and she kept having meltdowns because of it all, eventually resulting in comments that my dog is simply “neurotic.”

Again, looking back, I wonder where I found the strength to live through those years. It was extremely hard. I was battling Bailey’s condition all alone and I was so lost. Nobody, except two trainers I was in contact with, understood what I was going through or encouraged me to keep going. Bailey’s shortcomings were projected onto me and her successes weren’t celebrated because it was “normal” for her to “finally” not react to something. It was a deeply challenging time that really stretched me as a person, as a soul. I had many lessons to learn - and learn them I did. Here are the greatest two lessons that I learned during those years: 

1.) People who disrespect your boundaries in one area of your life are likely disrespecting them in other areas of your life as well.

This was a very hard realization for me, because in some cases I realized it wasn’t about Bailey at all. It was simply a dynamic that has always been in place and I never stood up for myself because I’m not as protective of me as I am of Bailey. Once her well-being became an issue, I knew how to put my foot down. Eventually, she gave me the strength and the wisdom to do the same thing for myself too. I started standing up for myself, being firmer with my boundaries, and I began noticing who responds with hostility and who with compassion. I began valuing my life and my opinions so much more. I was only 19 when I adopted Bailey, and by the time I was 21 I was truly a different person. The hard realization was this: some people have to go. The situation with Bailey has given me the insight that some people in my life just weren’t good for me. I needed more kindness, compassion, and understanding in all areas of my life. I needed more alignment, more like-minded souls who had the same values as I did. Maybe that’s a natural part of growing up, but I truly couldn’t see how some things were affecting me until Bailey’s well-being was in the line of fire. I had a big realization:

I can’t show Bailey that the world is safe if I keep allowing people and situations in my life that make me physically and emotionally unsafe. Dogs feel our emotions very strongly, and once I found more peace in my personal life, Bailey became a more peaceful dog, too.

2.) There are people who genuinely love you, desire to understand you, and want to help you - but the way they express their love and concern is triggering to you.

I know this sounds like a paradox. How can someone's love and concern be triggering? Well, have you ever been at an extended family event where everybody pestered you with well-meaning questions about your job, children, and marital status? That’s how. Our family (mostly) means well. They are looking at us struggling with this very loud and impulsive dog, and they want to help us by offering advice. The manner in which they express this advice may seem preachy to us, or they decide to bless us with their wisdom at the exact moment when our dog is snapping at an unleashed dog. Maybe they’re even suggesting we give the dog away, which is really just making us angry. Whatever your situation is, I hear you. I’ve been through them all, and I know how infuriating it can feel. Family is a sensitive environment on the best of days, let alone when something big and challenging has hit us. My family loves Bailey; they absolutely adore her. But it took me YEARS to fully see this adoration, because I was only focusing on their unsolicited advice. It also took me years to learn how to properly communicate our boundaries and needs.

I stopped explaining things and started enforcing them. I made it clear to my family that it’s okay if they don’t understand why I have certain rules around Bailey, but they have to respect the rules if they want to be around her.

Should they cross her boundary again, I’ll remove Bailey from the situation and they won’t be able to interact with her anymore. Initially, this declaration was met with shock and a collective eye-roll. I understood their frustration, but it was time for Bailey to get better and I had to be consistent. Within months of respecting my boundaries (however grumpily sometimes), they were able to start seeing big changes in Bailey. Through me, they also came in contact with a dog trainer and other people with complicated dogs, or dogs with difficult backgrounds. Their canine horizons started expanding, and all of a sudden I was being asked for advice regarding their own dogs, or their friends’ dogs. People often have to experience things for themselves before they can believe in them, and once Bailey became the best trained dog in the family (despite her reactivity), the tables turned for us at last. But it took time, patience, and consistency. I made Bailey my priority, I chose her over the opinions of others because I knew she needed my help more than I needed the approval of others.

I also learned how to communicate with my family as if I truly believed they had the best intentions - because 99% of the time, they genuinely did.

This journey took many tough conversations, a forgiving attitude, strong will, and constant education. One of the things that helped my family THE MOST was hearing information from a source that wasn’t me. For some reason, when they heard the exact same thing from a dog trainer, it clicked much faster. We all have walls and projections when it comes to our closest ones. We also have communication styles that tend to set each other off JUST BECAUSE we live together!!!! When people email me, one of the main problems they report is disagreements with family over their reactive dog.

This is why I wrote A Guide for Family and Friends: Reactive Dogs 101. I wanted your family & friends to have an independent resource of information that comes without emotional attachments or projections. ALL questions in the Guide are answered with respect, compassion, and understanding. I want to meet your people where they are, and lead them towards a deeper understanding of not just your dog, but what you are going through as well.

I hope this blog post was able to shed some light on this challenging topic.

I would love to hear your experiences with this; how has your reactive dog changed the dynamic with your family and friends? What has been the most challenging part of this journey? What has been the greatest lesson? Please share with me in the comments!❤️

Reactive Dogs and Cats: A Socialization Guide [Part 2]

Welcome to Part 2 of a socialization guide that is going to teach you how to peacefully live with both cats and dogs - especially if you have reactive dogs (or ones with a high prey instinct). If you haven’t read Part 1 of this series yet, please do so! You can find it right here! That’s where I explained why it’s so important to start this process of socialization outside of the house. There are detailed step by step instructions on how to make sure your dog and cat both feel safe, how positive reinforcement is at the center of this process and how cultivating patience is perhaps the most important part of it all.

If you’ve read all of that already and have been working outside of your home to the best of your abilities to bring your pooch and kitten together, now is when we move into the more sensitive territory: the indoor living space.

Shadow was not adopted from a shelter; she just climbed onto my balcony and chose my as her human. She literally didn’t want to leave. I fed her, I took her to the vet, I took care of her and then expected her to leave and roam around. But she never did; she just stayed. In the first two months of her being with us, she was an indoor/outdoor cat. I am fully transparent when I tell you that I had no idea how to mother a cat and even less knowledge about cat behavior, stray cat problematic etc. I got a lot of bad advice in those first two months and I learned from my mistakes. One day Shadow suddenly became seriously ill and became an indoor cat practically overnight. Meaning, my dogs needed to learn how to share a living space with Shadow overnight. We did a lot of our outdoor work by then, so they definitely knew Shadow and were used to her. But sharing a living space comes with a lot of challenges, especially if you have a reactive dog. We had our ups and downs but in the long run they are worth it if I can help other people through our experiences. This blog post will hopefully help you brave the first few weeks and months of cohabiting with canines and felines! 🐱

PERSONAL SPACE

Everyone in your furry family is going to need some personal space in the first few weeks. I’m serious about this - I’ve heard of people returning their cats and dogs back to the shelter after only a few days. If you are not capable of patience that is going to have to be cultivated for weeks (or months or perhaps a lifetime, depending on your dog’s reactivity), then don’t get a cat. It’s not fair to bring an animal home and then not stick with them through thick and thin!

If you have a reactive dog, you already know they need a lot of personal space, to rest and decompress. This is something that will probably never change and the more we help them by giving them safe spaces, the more relaxed they are going to feel within your home and around new additions. Your reactive dog must always know that he has a place to retreat to. He should never feel trapped in a situation or without an option to exit it. This is very important when socializing your dog to other creatures, especially one that is of a different species. Some reactive dogs can clearly read the body language of another dog, but cats might be a bigger mystery to them. The safer they feel, the less likely they’ll be to lash out.

On the other hand, your kitten is going to need some personal space as well. This depends on their personality very much, so be mindful of that and pay attention to what your cat is asking for. My Shadow absolutely adores the dogs and she was never afraid of them, but Chilly is too much of an attention seeker even for her and it took a while for him to understand that she won’t play with him just yet (or at all). If your cat is pawing or hissing at the dogs, don’t let them “hash it out themselves.” This is just plain stupid, I’m sorry. You’ll end up with animals who don’t trust you to create safety for everyone involved and they might have serious arguments amongst each other, leading to one or more of your animals being hurt. A cat can seriously, seriously injure your dog! You should never allow your cat to harass your dog in any way, either. The videos that people post on Facebook of how afraid dogs are of cats are incredibly harmful and perpetuate the idea that cats are aggressive creatures who want to dominate dogs. The truth is that there is no cross-species domination and that happy cats are not aggressive cats! If your cat feels the need to lash out at your dog it’s because she does not feel safe - and making her feel safe is YOUR responsibility!

Here are a few ideas on how you can make sure everyone has their own personal space:

1. Crate training: both of my dogs and my cat are crate trained. I can’t stress enough how much this helped. I put all three of them each in their own crate and they could all see each other but were safely confined to their safe space. Sometimes I would let one of the dogs out and allowed them to sniff Shadow through the crate, if they wanted. I did the same with Shadow. I kept the two dogs in their crates and allowed Shadow to roam around the room. This was very helpful especially for Bailey, because she could safely observe the cat. I also paid attention to anything that triggered her. For example, she was totally fine if Shadow was walking up and down the room, but if she came too close to Bailey’s crate or if she jumped on something above the ground, Bailey would bark. This was important for me to know, so that I could immediately start desensitizing her to these triggers.  

2. Leashes: Chilly is a typical bubbly border collie and he didn’t understand that Shadow just won’t play with him. He would try to hoax her into playing by barking at her from close proximity (that was his herding instinct kicking in), trying to get her to run away so he could chase. Sometimes he would even try to paw at her but Shadow obviously wasn’t into any of that, so I made sure Chilly was on a leash if Shadow was freely roaming around. If he started getting jumpy, I just told him to settle on the ground next to me. (In order for this to work, your dog will need to know some basic obedience and impulse control. If he doesn’t yet, revert back to Part 1 where I explain working from a distance).  

3. Separate rooms: I spend a lot of time with my animals and, consequently, they spend a lot of time with each other as well. In the first few weeks of Shadow living indoors full-time, I often put her in a different room than the dogs, so that they could all take a break from each other. This is especially helpful if you live in a smaller space! Putting Shadow in a different room gave all of them some freedom and relaxation, because it’s genuinely hard being around someone new 24/7. Also, Shadow needed to express some of her cat instincts and those were impossible around Bailey at first. I created a routine - whenever it was Shadow’s playtime or walkies time or training time, we were separated from the dogs. This was a very great technique and slowly but surely I didn’t need to separate them as much, because they grew so very comfortable around each other!

WHAT ABOUT CHASING?

When I told you that I was writing this series, some of you have asked me how to deal when your dog chases your cat. Dogs differ in temperament and instinct; those who have a very strong prey (or herding) instinct are more likely to chase your cat. Cats are generally super peaceful but they do have their “zoomies attacks” and it’s obviously tempting for the dogs to join in! The most important part here is prevention. You want to make sure that your dogs and cats associate each other with peace, not play. If you see some predatory behaviors arise, address them straight away! I already described above that I had Chilly on a leash and “settle”, if he was feeling too jumpy. I also carried Shadow around in my arms a lot, so that the dogs got used to her being around but knew they don’t get to play with her. And I added extra play sessions to our daily routine, to make sure that we are consistently expressing their strong instincts. With Bailey, I also used food as a positive association. I gave her a kong toy in her crate while Shadow was roaming around the room or simply told her to go lie down in her crate if she started to show signs of arousal.

Here’s the thing about Bailey: she can handle Shadow running around now (I’m so proud!!!!), but she still hates it if Shadow is climbing up the shelves, walls, cupboards etc. There is something about having a cat above her head that just rubs little B the wrong way. She had only actually chased Shadow once, but it was enough for me to get scared and employ some extra boundaries. (It happened in the middle of the night, Shadow was apparently bored and went jumping around the room, then the chasing woke me up). Those boundaries are:

• If Shadow is climbing somewhere, I make sure Bailey is never right underneath her. I just move her to a space where she feels safer. I made sure none of the puppy beds are under any of the climbing surfaces and Shadow also can’t climb above the bed or Bailey’s crate anymore.
  
  

• Strict bedtime routine for the kitten. I am religious about this! I never want to be woken up by a chaos like that again. Those of you who have cats probably know that they are a challenge during the night, but I promise you I’ve cracked the kitty code and now my cat sleeps through the entire night, every night! In fact, me and my dogs are usually awake before her!!! I’ll be writing a blog post on this, I promise.
  
  

• If Shadow is feeling extra extra excited and finds a little string on the floor or something of interest and then chases it like a maniac, I’ll keep an extra eye on Bailey. Sometimes she sleeps through it and doesn’t care. Sometimes she gets whiny and that’s when I put her where she feels safe (either in another room or in her crate). Bailey has to know that I always have her back and if the kitty gets a bit too much for her, I’ll make sure she doesn’t fall over the threshold.

These are just our boundaries and yours might look completely different. The important thing is that you implement your boundaries and then say consistent with them. Cutting down on boundaries because “there hasn’t been a problem in a week” is a terrible idea. Please know that the more the chasing happens, the more it reinforces itself. It can obviously happen to anyone, but when it happens to you, you need to immediately reevaluate your boundaries. These things tend to escalate quickly and again, you wouldn’t want anyone getting hurt in this scenario, would you? Jot down what triggered your dog and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I wrote above that making sure your cat feels safe is your responsibility - making sure your dog feels safe and relaxed is your responsibility too.

THE GOAL OF LIVING TOGETHER

The internet is full of videos and pictures of kittens and puppies being besties. Hell, even some of the pictures in this very blog post carry that same vibe. While I admit that it’s an incredibly enriching experience, having animals that love each other, that is not the end game and that is not the goal.

The goal is to have animals that are at peace with each other. That aren’t striving to play with each other all day long and that aren’t over-arousing each other. Too many people make this mistake in multi-dog households. They get another dog so that their first dog will have a playmate … and then all hell breaks loose, because the dogs have no idea how to be calm together.

What you want isn’t a household where your animals chase each other all day long. What you want is a household where your animals are in harmony with one another. This means they know how to rest together, they know how to sleep together, to safely share space. It means that for the most part, they leave each other alone. They don’t constantly try to gain each other’s attention. They are respectful of each other’s personal space and they associate each other with peace.

My Shadow loves to snuggle with the dogs but Chilly is usually more up for it than Bailey. She loves to snuggle Chilly more than Shadow at this point, but will happily share a bed with the kitten so long as Shadow doesn’t nuzzle her too much. Chilly doesn’t want to sleep next to anyone at night, he prefers the peace of his crate. Bailey always sleeps right next to me and Shadow loves the bed as well. During the day, I can leave the three of them alone in my bedroom and trust that all they are going to do is rest. I strongly emphasize resting together. The last thing I want is animals that rile each other up and drive each other crazy.

Always have this goal in mind: I want my animals to associate each other with peace, not chaos!

I hope this guide was helpful and that you were able to get some good information out of it. If you have any more questions left you can always reach out to me and I’ll be happy to hear you out and offer advice for your specific situation! I want to thank you for opening your heart and home to multiple animal species. I know this can be hard, but I also know it can be oh-so-very worth it.❤️

kitten paws + puppy snouts

I Love You, But You Need So Much From Me Sometimes

Everyone who knows me knows that I love Bailey more than the whole universe. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t do for her and mothering her with compassion has always come very naturally to me. We have had MANY bad days, too many to even contemplate, but we’ve had more good ones. We’ve even had many days when she was having a rough time and I was able to stay level-headed, calm, compassionate and loving. It’s not always easy to keep your shit together when your dog is hysterically barking at 5am at the most random noise, but I always try my best to remember that she is not giving me a hard time as much as she is having a hard time.

But this isn’t a post about the good days. This is a post about the days that you’ll inevitably arrive to if you have a problematic dog. It’s the days when you feel like you can’t give them what they need.

We are all just people and I know we’ve all wished for a normal dog at one point or another. That’s completely okay, I think. Living with a fearful dog is hard on your best day, but as humans we have many days when we’re under massive stress. Maybe it’s the job, or family or relationships or an unexpected situation. Those are the days that I find are truly the hardest, because on those days it’s hard to keep your shit together, it’s hard to be calm when your dog isn’t, it’s hard not to feel completely depleted at the end of the day because you can’t give an ounce of your energy anymore.

Have you ever been so exhausted your whole body hurt? So sad and in so much grief you could barely drag yourself out of bed? I know we all move through this. If you have a reactive dog, when a day like that hits you, you still have to go outside and keep your eyes peeled to everything that is moving in the distance to make sure it’s not an off-leash dog or a child or a bike or a lady with a hat or a cat or a stop sign or a bird. You still have to manage your dog’s outburst because you spaced out for a second and a toddler on a small bike came around the corner before you noticed. And then on top of your own private life mess you now also have to deal with a very displeased parent of said toddler (who is now crying because puppy barked and snarled at him). Those are the days that are absolutely heart wrenching because we’re faced with a realization that our dogs will always need a little extra from us. They’ll always need us a little more present, a little more alert, a little more there.  

When I go out with Chilly, my non-reactive rescue Border Collie, it’s the best thing ever. I have my headphones in, I’m listening to music and we’re each in our own world. He’s sniffing the ground and I’m strolling along. I give him his off-leash time, we practice recall, do some tricks and basic obedience and no matter what is going on in my life at the time, I feel absolutely present in the moment. I feel happy, joyful and free. When Bailey’s turn for a walk comes, I have different feelings. I avoid headphones because then we both get surprised by triggers. When I give her off-leash time she doesn’t move away from me at all, so if I forget to bring a ball, we’re basically just walking over the meadow side by side. Those are the moments when my anxiety starts getting the best of me, because I feel like there is so much to manage and I cannot possibly escape my bad day. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love spending one-on-one time with Bailey. She doesn’t have outbursts anymore, or they are extremely rare and not at all in the magnitude they used to be. I know all of her current triggers and we have the best time managing all of that. She and I are a great team together, we always have been. But I’d be lying if I said that it’s not a lot to manage or that I can put my brain on rest mode when I am with her. I can’t - and when, as a human, I’m having a down day, that’s when it gets really heavy.

I often feel like I am failing her if I have a bad day or a bad week.

Sometimes not even a bad week as much as a busy week. She is still pretty co-dependent (MUCH less than she used to be, but still not a normal dog, obviously) and if I am working a lot or not being in her presence for most of the day, she’ll want to lie on top of me or right next to me as soon as I get back. I know this sounds like such a stupid problem, like don’t I want my dog to cuddle with me? Except it’s not cuddling. It’s literally I need to be close to you to calm down. It’s I missed you so much I stole your shirt and slept on it. It’s I’m going to make annoying noises at Chilly and get snappy because he wants your attention too but I need it more. Yes, this. Chilly WANTS my attention but Bailey NEEDS it. She looks at me with those big brown eyes and I can feel when a day has been too stressed for her; it’s usually when it has been for me, too.

Even when your fearful dog stops having outbursts, their fearfulness won’t go away.

They will still be generally anxious, just at a lesser level. They might not bark anymore at certain triggers, but when enough triggers happen in one day, they’ll still feel overwhelmed. I live in a loud household next to a loud highway on a loud street in a loud a city. Sometimes it’s a lot for Bailey to handle all the noise and on those days, I want to be present for her. I want to diffuse Lavender essential oil, stay with her in bed, play some chill music and nurture her back to sanity. On the days when my own life is busy or messy, I sometimes can’t find the energy to do all of this. I just want to put her in her crate and go about my own business. Using the crate has massively improved her co-dependency. I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes every day. She loves her crate, she feels so safe inside of it … but I can’t help but think on those days have I done enough? Is she still having a hard time, just quietly? WHY didn’t I take an extra minute for the essential oil?! Needless to say, Chilly doesn’t have any such requirements. I kiss him goodbye or tell him to go lie down as I work and all is well. They have an interesting dynamic - sometimes Chilly’s calmness will help Bailey and sometimes her nervousness will make him restless too. It depends on the day and the level of Bailey’s restlessness. The worst are the days when I go out somewhere for a longer time or when someone new comes to the house. I think Bailey’s feeling of safety is compromised sometimes in the most subtle ways, due to trigger stacking.

I looked into Bailey’s eyes recently and told her, half sobbing: “I love you so much - but you need so much from me sometimes. And I have days when I don’t know how to give you all of that.”

I think the answer to this dilemma is something we continue exploring for as long as we have these precious special beings that are dependent on us. Some days, all I can do is love her as I am focusing on my own life. Other days, I can be the best reactive dog mom on the planet and we do the who holistic shabang. Maybe it’s not about being perfect, as much as it’s about balance. When I’m going through a rough period, some days I truly do enjoy just staying in bed with Bailey nuzzled in my neck all day. I love to focus on Bailey’s training or managing her stress to escape my own. Sometimes.

I love the quote by Dr. Seuss that says: “life is a great balancing act.” It’s true. We’re not always going to be able to maintain that balance, but at the end of the day it’s the effort and honesty that count. I put my whole heart into Bailey and that’s where it’s going to stay forever. I know that I am doing a good job, even on the really shitty days. I have to trust that - and so do you!

If you are parenting or otherwise raising a fearful dog right now and your own life is just a bit messy (because let’s be honest, 2018 is seriously kicking our ass!), let me tell you that you are not alone. I see you and I hear you. Hell, I am you! Some days just plain suck. I’ve never been one to sugarcoat things. When shitty days find us, I think the best idea is to just surrender and see where they lead us. Pain is in resistance. We’ll never be perfect dog parents as much as our dogs will never be normal either. So we might as well do the best we can in a given situation and quickly forgive ourselves for the days when we just can’t give our 100%.

We’re only human and it happens. Our dogs will love us all the same.❤️

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How are you managing your fearful dog’s need for extra care?

How are you dealing with their codependency on your down days?

Let’s talk in the comments and give each other some much-needed support! <3

Reactive Dogs and Cats: A Socialization Guide [Part 1]

If someone had told me a few years ago that Bailey will one day be able to peacefully coexist with a cat, I would think it crazy. Cats have always been yet another one of her triggers, but with them it didn’t come from a place of fear, as much as it came from a place of instinct. She has always had an outstanding prey instinct - she’d happily chase squirrels, birds and cats over the edge of a cliff. This is why she’s always been obsessed with chasing the ball and why keeping her prey instinct under control has also proved to help with her reactivity rehabilitation as well.

Even though she and I have already overcame many triggers in our years together, I never dared imagine cats would be one of them. Whenever she saw the stray cat that I am feeding, she’d fly into a hysterical frenzy. She saw her as an intruder on the window and showed her no mercy. So needless to say, when Shadow decided to move in, I was more than just a little worried.

START OUTSIDE OF THE HOME      

I took it super slow. The first day of socialization we were outside in our terrace; I put Shadow in Chilly’s giant crate and leashed both dogs on the other side of the terrace. They could see each other but there was no way to reach each other. Bailey did well until Shadow started climbing all over the crate - that was a trigger for her. Rather than trying to “calm her down” I simply took the leash and took Bailey back inside, while Chilly stayed with the cat. The next time, I was prepared and made sure to give Bailey big big big reinforcement every time she looked at me, even if the cat wasn’t doing anything in particular. I was rewarding check-ins. I wasn’t saying any cues to her at all, because I wanted her to observe Shadow in her own rhythm and check-in with me whenever she feels like it.

Side note: these check-ins are a life-saver for reactive dogs! If the reactivity to a certain trigger is so bad that your dog always flips out, teaching him to look at you whenever they sense fear is a super helpful way of managing a situation. Eventually you’ll be able to get closer to the trigger or your dog won’t feel as much fear around it anymore and will be able to look at it without these check-ins altogether!

Bailey did really well with this. Soon after that, I got Shadow her own carrier and we started to uplevel our training. I will admit that we rushed this part a little bit, because Shadow started to come inside the house at that point, so I had to make this top priority. Basically, I put Shadow in a carrier and then I just walked past it with each dog. I reinforced calmness. Chilly, my non-reactive bug, did super well and after a few training sessions didn’t mind the cat at all. Bailey not so much. She was VERY aware of Shadow and we kept our distance at the beginning, then gradually started coming closer until we were able to walk around the carrier completely without Bailey obsessing over the cat. Once we were close enough, both of the dogs sniffed the cat but Bailey much more hesitantly.

I used food as a reinforcer through this entire process and I stand by that 100%. I’ve noticed some trainers speak very ill of using food as a reinforcer, even within the positive reinforcement community. I would like to address here that every dog is different and each case of reactivity is unique. I cannot imagine doing this with Bailey without food. Praise is not enough for her to reinforce a calm behavior and toys get her too hyped. The first time we were able to stand right next to the carrier, she started becoming too hyped about food as well (because the presence of the trigger made her nervous), so we took a step back and started again. At one point I started to use food selectively (meaning I didn’t need to reinforce every single time anymore) and before long, we were able to happily march around the carrier without any food needed at all.

!!! PLEASE REMEMBER !!!

• Make sure your reinforcer is not making your already reactive (and therefore nervous) dog even more hyped up.

• Don’t be afraid to take a few steps back if you see your dog is getting overwhelmed

• My training sessions lasted MINUTES. None of them were longer than 10. I would also advise not to expose your dog to a trigger every single day but in my case, I basically had no choice so I was even more adamant to keep these sessions as short as possible.

• You reactive dog will need to decompress afterwards, so make sure they get A LOT of rest.

• You are not using food as a bribe or a distraction!!! You are using food as a reinforcer and a way to change your dog’s emotional blueprint.

Example: every time your dog looks at the cat and remains calm, he is immediately reinforced. As you were able to read, in the beginning stages I only reinforced Bailey for check-ins with me, when we still had a big distance between us and the cat. Many would argue why not immediately start by reinforcing her when she looks at the cat. YOU CAN! This is why I said every dog is so unique. My Bailey’s reactivity was so incredibly severe when I got her that she would have a complete meltdown if she so much as sensed, sniffed or heard a trigger. Seeing it would result in an outburst that she could barely snap out of. There are days when I wonder how we ever survived those months and years. As a result of that, she and I have built this check-in system that allows her to first get comfortable around a trigger (without having to look at it) and THEN we move on to getting closer and reinforcing her when she either looks at it or simply remains calm around it. Some people seem to think that if a dog is looking at you he is not paying attention to the trigger - trust me, your dog can still sense the trigger. They’re not stupid.😉

Pay attention to your dog, I don’t care what is written on the internet, even on my blog. Cultivate critical thinking! If some trainer has never worked and lived with your level of reactivity, they can’t know.

An unpopular opinion, I know. But it’s the truth. Watch your dog’s body language at all times and see how he responds to what you are doing together. If you see that he is calming down, you are on a good path. If you see that he is starting to display signs of discomfort (raised hackles, licking lips, lifted paw, whining etc.), get a bigger distance between you and the cat or stop the training session altogether. Maybe your dog has had enough for one day and needs some rest - that is okay!

The last stage of this training was to have Shadow in the carrier placed on a table and the dogs were unleashed around it, together. This step went without any complications at all, perhaps because they weren’t separate in this stage. They went to the table, sniffed the carrier from underneath and then started playing with each other or simply calmed down, stretched on the floor and that was it. Eventually I was able to move the carrier back to the ground, right next to them and all was well. Sometimes they came to briefly sniff Shadow but never both at once and mainly they just left her alone.

TWO IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTE:

FIRST: my cat Shadow was NEVER afraid of dogs. She has been comfortable around them since she has adopted us, which has made this process outstandingly simpler. In the beginning stages of the socialization I always gave her a big meal in the carrier and she was facing away from the door while I worked with the dogs. She never had a problem with resting in the carrier either - again, this has made my job a lot easier. If this is not the case with your kitten, I would advise the following: first, make sure she is crate trained! Reinforce the living jesus out of a carrier or a crate so that your cat can willingly go inside of it and stay there comfortably. Patience is your best friend here! This training will also come in handy whenever it’s time to take a vet trip, so you’ll be thankful you did it! Second, get a helper. If your cat is not fully comfortable with the dogs then please don’t do this alone. Get someone to help you with the cat as you’re tending to the dogs. They can sit next to the carrier and monitor the cat’s behaviors and emotions, as well as reinforce her with food in the same way you are doing with the dogs. This is how she’ll learn that being around dogs is a short activity that brings her food - and we all know how much kittens love food!

SECOND: this whole outdoor process happened within a two month period. Some steps we breezed over, some steps took longer but just so you know, there is NO TIME-FRAME on how fast this will happen for you. I didn’t have any timeframe set for myself here and it gave me a lot of freedom. Don’t rush this, take it slow if you can. Some situations are unpredictable, as you’ll learn in the Part 2 of this guide; I had to move Shadow into the house full-time overnight. When those situations happen, we push through, we maybe have one or two extra training sessions that we could otherwise leave out but even so, WE NEVER EVER EVER RUSH ANIMALS INTO SOMETHING THAT CAUSES THEM DISCOMFORT or could result in them not trusting us. Our job is to keep them safe!

All socialization truly is, at its core, is making sure our dogs (and cats) feel SAFE in a variety of situations.

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Whether you already live with a cat and a reactive dog, or you’re merely thinking about adopting one, please start this process outside of the home on a neutral territory. I know this is a bit of a challenge with a reactive dog, because unless you have a backyard or a terrace, you might not be able to do this. Apartment hallways are terribly stressful for reactive dogs, not to mention parks. If you have the option to drive to a big field or a meadow and have someone with you that could help you, you can still do these sessions outside of the home where you have the ability to keep your dog at any distance that you wish. Again, I urge you to do this even if you already live with a cat and a reactive dog and it’s not working out! We don’t speak this enough but part of what triggers reactive dogs is the notion that they don’t have anywhere to retreat. This is why outside work is so important, because you can build up the distance.

Hopefully this post was able to be of service - this is just Part 1 and it speaks about the work outside of the home. Part 2 will address home manners, cohabiting within a small space, managing your dog’s chase instinct and more! But first, I want you to digest this post and get to work.

Please don’t rush this process and give your animals as much time as they need.

I promise you, it’s all worth it in the end! 🐕❤️🐱

When you’re ready, here’s part 2!

Unfiltered Life: My Dog's Latest Outburst

We had a big outburst today. A lady with a toddler parked herself right outside my bedroom window. The toddler was loud. I wasn't in the room and Bailey decided to put her paws on the window shelf to see outside. I think the sight of a toddler and a stroller and a lady and the loud screeching was too much for her to handle. I was in the kitchen cooking and I heard the loudest barking outburst ever. It was so sudden and so loud that I KNEW she was looking out the window. Even though I designed my entire bedroom in a way that she can't do that, she still found a way. The toddler was too loud and she had to make sure we were safe, I think, only to find that we "weren't." 

Upon hearing the outburst, my first emotion was anger. I was pissed. Why THE FUCK is she looking out the window? Why isn't she sleeping in her bed? I call "Bailey go lie down!" and nothing happens. The barking keeps going on. Frustrated and angry and super annoyed I put the soup off the stove and go to my room. 
 

I open the doors and I see her glued to the window barking so hard she's shaking. The hair was raised from the top of her head down to her tail. I call her name. Twice. She doesn't even hear me. I walk to the window and pick her up. She's surprised and looks up at me with the biggest eyes I've ever seen. In that moment all of my anger evaporates and I can't believe I ever could have felt that. She was so afraid - and incredibly relieved when she saw me.

I say "It's okay. Mom is here. It's okay."

She stops barking as soon as I pick her up. I hold her until she starts breathing normally again. I take her to the bed, away from the window and I try not to cry. She lies down and looks at me with these eyes. Like she knows. She knows it was a lot, she knows I'm trying to keep it together, she knows I don't always know what to do, she knows I would fight the whole universe to make her feel safe. She lies completely still and I snap this picture. She is tired and shaken and I want to remember this moment in case I ever get annoyed with her fear again. 

I say "I'm sorry bug."

 

I'm sorry the world feels so scary for her. I'm sorry that I sometimes feel anger and annoyance. I'm sorry that her first interaction with this planet was so bad it has left a mark on her forever. I'm sorry that some days, all I can do is love her. Nothing more - nothing less. <3

Rehabilitating a Reactive Dog Is a Lifelong Process

If I had to sum up my mission in one sentence, it would be this: my mission lies in raising awareness about how positive reinforcement can help your reactive dog. This is the number one message I’m always trying spread and stay true to.

But sometimes, life with a reactive dog can get really hard. They’re barking all the time. Everything is scary to them. Your family doesn’t understand you. Positive reinforcement is taking too much time. You find yourself wondering: is it ever going to get better?

The short answer to this question is: YES and NO.

Some things will get better, I promise. My Bailey was so messed up when I adopted her, I sometimes can’t believe how far we’ve come, especially given all of the mistakes I made in the first year of our journey together. It’s almost unbelievable that she’s the most well-trained dog in our household, despite her issues with reactivity.

There are definitely many ways to tackle reactivity with positive reinforcement. You can start by signing up for my free email course (Reactive Dogs: Where to Start) or hiring a really good force-free dog trainer (How to Choose a Good Dog Trainer). You’re going to need a lot of patience and support, but the hard work is so worth it! DO NOT fall prey to people who say that traumatized dogs need prong or e-collars! These collars will only solve YOUR problems, not your dog’s! Click here to read why positive reinforcement is THE ONLY way to truly help your fearful dog!

Now let’s talk about the other part of the answer: NO, some things might never get better.

Your dog might never be excited to meet a new dog, human, child. He might always be afraid of thunderstorms and fireworks. Visitors at the house might always be a problem. There are several reasons for that. First, if your dog is afraid of loud noises, he can be triggered at any time because noises are impossible to predict. Second, if your dog is afraid of other dogs, you can run into off-leash dogs at any time. Most of them are unpredictable and have poor training - they run up to you and invade your dog’s personal space. Third, if the problem lies in people and children, it's usually hard to explain our dog's needs to them. They often don’t respect the boundaries we set and instead of listening to us, they start preaching. Not to mention, children are very loud, fast and unpredictable.

Do you see my point? You cannot control your dog’s environment all the time, so some fears will always stay present.

My advice is to change your mindset.

When I started working with Bailey, I set a goal: I want her to stop barking at other dogs. But looking back, this goal wasn’t particularly realistic. I wasn’t aware of how deep her problems were and that they go way beyond dogs. The core of her issues is the lack of her general feeling of safety. Once I changed my mindset, things improved drastically. I set new goals:

• I want to create more safe spaces for Bailey.

• I want her to be able to observe a dog from a safe distance.

• If she flips out because of a loud noise, I want to be able to manage that.

Nobody can just fix their dog overnight. If you are setting your expectations too high, you are going to be disappointed - and your dog is going to become even more frustrated. Once Bailey and I started reaching our smaller goals, we kept setting new ones. Today, we can pass most dogs at a close proximity and she doesn’t bark. Sure, she still gets triggered if a dog is off-leash or if he barks at her, but this is just something that we have to manage.

Remember: it’s not about completely getting rid of your dog’s reactivity. This can take YEARS and some of it may always be present. It’s about learning how to manage it.

None of us signed up to have a reactive dog - or if you did, you are my personal hero. I’m not ashamed to say that I never would have chosen this for myself; I was 19 years old, fresh out of High School, zero dog training knowledge. But I believe Bailey was given to me for a reason and not a day goes by that I don't thank the universe for blessing me with her.

Some days I do (still) get scared. Loud noises are still a big challenge for us. I wonder: is it always going to be this way? Am I going to have to worry about her for the next 10 years? How are we going to cope with all the life changes yet to come?

I know it’s not easy, making a home out of a realization that your dog might never be normal.

I can’t travel with Bailey by any means other than by car. She’ll never be around children. If I ever foster, I’ll have to take so many precautions. Just this year, with two new dogs coming into the house, it’s been really hard for her. This is our reality. But it’s manageable.  

But you know what? It’s more than just manageable - it’s a learning experience every single day. It’s the unique feeling of joy when she overcomes a fear. It’s extra cuddling when she’s having a hard day - or when I’m having a hard day. It’s educating other people, it’s running this blog, it’s being a better mom to Chilly, it’s growing into a better human.

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It’s crying because of fear and frustration but then getting back up the next day and understanding that the most important job I have is teaching Bailey that the world is a beautiful, safe space - even on the days when I don’t believe in that myself.

It’s our reality. It’s not perfect, but it’s worth it.

If you ever struggle really hard with having a reactive dog and feel like you have absolutely no support system, please join my FREE email course that will help you get started and guide you through the beginning stages — you’ll also get direct email access to me through the course.

Rehabilitating a reactive dog might be a lifelong process, but you don’t have to do it alone! 

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How Essential Oils Help My Fearful Dog

Over the years I have tried a lot of things to help Bailey with her wide spectrum of fears. Triggers such as dogs, skates, moving objects etc. have mainly been conquered through positive reinforcement and counter-conditioning. She’s come such a long way and I am very proud of her, but the one thing we’re still battling on every day basis is her noise-sensitivity.

She gets triggered by loud noises all the time - we live in the city and that’s something I just can’t control. The situation has given us both some gray hair, but we’re coping with it through learning about new ways to keep her calm. 

For last year’s New Year’s Eve we have tried the anti-stress wrap and it worked amazingly. I was very impressed and I may even buy the famous Thunder Shirt this year. We are also big lovers of music and use it in our every day life to calm Bailey down whenever she is feeling nervous or upset. I’m still surprised by how well she responds to it and how much it calms her down. 

However, some recent changes in our life and environment have encouraged me to look for more ways to help her.

 

First, we have a huge (and loud!) construction site in our backyard at the moment. We also got two new dogs this year, which means more noise in the house - either occasional barking or just the sound of them running up and down the hallway. These are the things that upset Bailey every single time. She just hates loud noises, no matter how irrational the fear. I recently read an article titled A Dog That Is Afraid of Loud Noises Is Afraid of Everything and it gave me a lot to think about. Noises are something I can’t control and they are all around us.

I can’t approach this with counterconditioning, because I can’t possibly isolate the noises that make her react - and even if I could, there will always be new ones to conquer. Aside from the anti-stress wrap and music, I felt like I was missing something. 

Enter essential oils! They were recently recommended to me and I’ll admit that I was a bit skeptical at first. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too much, but I was definitely open to trying something new.

I’m happy to report that after two full months of testing, I’m seeing so many positive results! To be honest, the change was apparent the first time I used them and it only got better since then. 

 

So far I have only tried two scents: lavender and baldrian (valerian). I’m open to trying more or maybe even mixing them, but this has worked incredibly well for us and I am very satisfied with the results! 

LAVENDER

We tested this scent by putting a few drops of lavender essential oil into an essential oil diffuser that I found at home - it’s a tiny bowl of water that stands over a candle. If you love crafting, you can DIY a variety of essential oil diffusers. I mainly used this aroma in the afternoons and over the weekends, when everybody is at home and the household is a little louder than usual. (The construction site doesn’t stop on the weekends either).

 

I noticed that Bailey is much more calm and less prone to reacting when I use this essential oil. Even if there is a sudden loud noise, she’ll only lift her head, maybe silently growl a little bit, but totally keeps her cool. No loud outbursts!

 

I was absolutely in awe. I tested the oil during a thunderstorm as well and outside of a couple short barks when the thunder was loud, she was totally fine. The final test was a couple of weeks ago when my home country Slovenia won the European Championship in basketball (woohoo!) and people celebrated with fireworks. I generally don’t follow sports, so on the night when we got into the finals I didn’t even know there was a game - I wasn’t prepared for the fireworks and Bailey had a really hard time. On the night of the finals I did prepare though. I lit up my essential oil diffuser, put in lavender and the evening passed so peacefully I almost couldn’t believe it. A few short barks here and there, but other than that she was surprisingly calm.

This essential oil is now a part of our every day life. If we have guests coming over or if there is something loud going on in the neighborhood, I know I can count on lavender oil to keep Bailey calm. I am so very thankful for this discovery! 

 

BALDRIAN (VALERIAN)

The success of lavender essential oil within the house had me wondering if I could bring them outside somehow. How cool would it be to have them on walks with us! I stumbled upon an essential oil collar in one of the local pet stores and decided to give it a try. It was 100% natural and infused with baldrian. 

It had a really strong aroma. I left it out of the package for a couple of days to wear off a little bit, but without much luck. When I put it onto Bailey she absolutely hated it, so I took it off after a couple of minutes and decided to try a different approach. I didn’t know if it’s the scent that’s bothering her or just the fact that it’s on her, so I cut the collar in two identical pieces and placed one in Bailey’s crate and the other one in Chilly’s - he gets a little jumpy sometimes during thunderstorms or if new people are in the house, so I figured it would be fun to try. 

They both seemed to respond to it super well. Bailey spent a lot of the time in her crate by her own accord, as did Chilly. I started leaving these collars with them every time I left the house and even though they generally don’t mind being alone, they displayed calmer behaviors upon my return than usual. I am super happy with this arrangement! 

 

Maybe in combination with lavender, the two aromas are the winning thing for us. I’ll buy baldrian essential oil as well, to test it in a diffusor, because the cut up collar is starting to lose its scent. I also have yet to figure out a way to bring essential oils on our walks. Maybe I’ll DIY a collar and infuse it with just a few drops or make an essential oil bracelet for myself and wear it when I’m out with Bailey. 

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Needless to say, the discovery of essential oils has changed our lives.

 

Bailey is so much calmer and there have been some very unexpected benefits for Chilly and myself as well. He’s less jumpy when he’s scared (or excited) and my own anxiety is almost nonexistent when lavender is in the air! I also struggle with insomnia and I noticed that on the days when we used lavender oil I actually had no trouble sleeping at all. These oils have been an overall success! 

At this moment, we are still only at the beginning of our essential oil journey - I want to learn even more about how essential oils can help dogs and share the knowledge with you as I go on.

If you have a fearful dog, I encourage you to give essential oils a try and see how they work out for you! Already tried them? Please comment below and share your experience!

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Bailey's Early Graying

It’s so hard for me to write this post, but it’s only been a recent thing that Bailey’s graying has become so apparent. I know most dogs start to gray between the ages of 5 and 7, but my dog is five years old now and I believe she looks much, much older. It is possible that she is just getting older like normal dogs and it’s more noticeable due to her black coat, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s happening a little too sudden. I’ve been growing very concerned because of this and I’ve read online that early graying is closely linked to anxiety and fear. This doesn’t strike me as anything new, since Bailey has always been fearful, but the graying has been a surprise that has really become apparent in the last two years.

Here’s a picture from July 2015

(age 3)

Now let’s look at a picture from a year later, August 2016 (age 4)

And at last, a picture from this month, August 2017 (age 5)

Her early graying is causing me great distress, mostly because I believe I can pinpoint the cause of it and I feel so powerless. We’ve always lived in an urban area and for a reactive dog that’s really hard, but we’ve managed. Bailey has had so much progress and while it took us some time, I believe we have succeeded in finding a balance that works for the both of us. However, we’ve had a major construction site open right in our backyard. It’s loud, it’s shaky, it bothers me and I can’t even imagine how Bailey must be feeling. Loud noises are so uncomfortable for her and her noise sensitivity is the one thing I know we still struggle with. But the construction site is something I have no control over and I’m worried about the effects it may have on her.

I’ve been wanting to move to the countryside for a while. Somewhere out of the city, more peaceful, with a lot of nature. I think both of us would love that. Moving out of the family home on a freelancer’s budget, alone and with two dogs (one of whom has somewhat special needs) is a challenge - one that I don’t expect to mount anytime soon. I’m not writing this to complain about my situation, because I know I have been blessed in my life many times over.

I’m just saying: my reactive dog is under constant stress because of loud noises and it’s starting to make me inconsolably sad.  

We’re trying a few different things. Music helps her a lot. Providing her with much crate time during the day helps even more. We’ve changed her exercise routine to games where she is not so impulsive. We’ve started using essential oils and I’ll be happy to write a separate blog post on them soon, because they have changed our life! I am optimistic, because she and I have already been through so much together, I know this is just a stepping stone in our story.

I read conflicting reports on early graying affecting a dog’s life-span but I’m trying not to think about this.

All we have is now. All we ever have is now. All I can do as a mother is in this moment and in this particular moment I can only look for ways to lessen her anxiety.

When I was reading the articles I couldn’t help myself but cry, because there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to make Bailey happy, make her calm. And yet, it often seems that every single success we have is eventually undermined by something out of my control. An off leash dog, a neighbor's random fireworks, a construction site.

Perhaps such is life with a reactive dog; learning to let go of control and loving them through troubled waters, holding onto them with grace and believing that everything will work out.

If you have any experience with early graying in fearful dogs, or even just graying in general, please comment below. I really need to hear some fresh perspectives on this topic as it’s something that has caught me a bit off guard!

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Fearful Dogs and the Power of Music

Music; one of the most important things in my universe. I listen to music almost all the time and I truly believe it is the language of my soul. Music has gotten me through every single hardship I have ever experienced and aside from writing it is my favorite form of art.

When we talk of rehabilitating, helping and training fearful dogs, we often talk about counter-conditioning, mental enrichment, environment managing and all these other techniques that are without a doubt super important, but I have noticed something has been missing. What happens when we’re not training? When, for whatever reason, we just don’t have that bag of treats ready or maybe it’s the middle of the night but our dog is experiencing severe anxiety? What do we do? I fully believe that music can play a great role in helping our reactive dogs.

For one, by default, these dogs are very sensitive to sound. They can react to a can falling on the floor three rooms away. They can be afraid of a person sneezing outside the house. There is no sound that escapes them and every sound makes them alert. I think it can be a very positive experience for them if we utilize their alertness to sound in a good way. First, music will somewhat cover up outside noises. Second, it may just calm them down in a way you didn’t even think was possible!

5 years ago I adopted Bailey and on the drive home she was crying as I was holding her in my arms. I quietly sang Hey Jude to her, because it’s the song that always calms me down when I’m experiencing anxiety. When we came home the poor bug was so terrified she refused to fall asleep - and her lack of sleep was a big problem in our first few weeks. I put on The Beatles’ vinyl record in the evening and any time I left her alone. I quickly started noticing she’s responding to it really well. In fact, she fell asleep much quicker than if the record wasn’t playing. This is how Bailey’s love of music was born.

Ever since then, we’ve been using music to soothe her anxiety. We spend every New Year’s Eve listening to music and as soon as I turn it on I can feel her fear and nervousness gradually diminish. Our favorite picks for surviving the fireworks are Ed Sheeran’s first album and any ballad Elvis Presley has ever written.

I wish I could lend her my headphones when we go for walks. Maybe if she could listen to James Vincent McMorrow as she is strolling around our neighborhood with me, she wouldn’t experience such anxiety. But I don’t want to shoot for the moon - I’m happy that music can be a calming tool for us when we are at home, or in the car.

I think if music can touch a human’s soul in a way that lets us know everything will be alright, why couldn’t it do the same for our dogs?

Bailey has a favorite song. The one song that I can always count on to calm her down. This song is also my favorite song in the universe and I wonder if there is some correlation. Maybe my Bailey can feel my soul relax when I am listening to it? Maybe this experience alone feels soothing for her? Sometimes I wish I could ask her these questions. Until that happens, all I can do is observe my little bug how she is nervous because of some weird sound outside and then the second I put on the song she curls up into a ball inside her crate and falls asleep, knowing she is always safe. The song I am talking about is Something New. Listening to it is a cosmic experience.

If you have a reactive and fearful dog I would recommend you try playing some songs to them and see how they respond. I’d start with calming songs and then try out different styles, depending on how they are responding. You can also try playing them your own favorite songs and see if they have the same connection to them as you do (or maybe just feel your love for it)!

To help you out a little bit, I created a playlist of 10 songs for calming down fearful dogs! We’ve listened to all of them a countless times and they have all worked like magic for little B. Click on the titles to listen to them on YouTube!

1. James Vincent McMorrow - Wicked Game

2. Tokio Hotel - Something New

3. Tokio Hotel - Run Run Run

4. Elvis Presley - Can’t Help Falling In Love With You

5. Elvis Presley - Love Me Tender

6. Jamie Dee - Blood Bank

7. Bon Iver - Holocene

8. Meadowlark - Postcards

9. Ed Sheeran - The A Team

10. Coldplay - Green Eyes

How do your fearful dogs respond to music? Do you have any song recommendations or experience you’d like to share? Comment below!

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Life With a Co-Dependent Dog

My Bailey is a co-dependent dog. She's been highly fearful and reactive since the day she came to me. Maybe it's because of the way she was brought into this world, maybe it's because of bad genetics and prenatal care of the mother or maybe it's a combination of both - but she has never ever had a fundamental feeling of safety.

For Bailey, the whole world is a scary place.

Normal, every day things give her huge anxiety. Dogs, humans, skates, shopping bags, umbrellas, birds landing on the window sill, kids, a sound of a random item falling on the floor, a sound of someone walking in the house wearing shoes, fireworks etc. The list goes on and on as we keep finding new things and situations she's afraid of. Every single one of them is a project for us - we slowly start counter-conditioning and desensitizing her to these situations. Some of them we've been able to conquer, some just manage.

Through this process, we've been trying to find places where she completely relaxes and feels 100% safe. This is what we've come up with:

- In our bed, under the covers (!)

- Her doggy bed

- My lap

It's not much, but for us it's everything. She'll never be one of those dogs that just plop themselves on the floor or a blanket and fall asleep no matter where they are. (Chilly is like that and it has been the biggest blessing, haha!). She doesn't relax in any other bed, she doesn't like other mats to lie on, she doesn't relax with any other human, either. The fact that I represent a feeling of safety for her makes me very happy, because we've worked on that very hard. But I am just one person and also a human being who sometimes needs her physical space.

Sometimes it's a challenge, always having to think about how Bailey will deal with new environments, new people, bigger life changes.

I work from home and sometimes I don't stay in one room all day. That minimal change alone throws Bailey of course. If it was up to her, she would stay in one room all day long. In her four years with me, she has slowly learned how to relax eventually - it takes a lot of time and she needs very clear communication on my part, but we manage. She has also learned how to love adventures. I call her 

Bailey the explorer.

If we're on a hike and we don't meet too many people and dogs, she'll be pretty curious about her surroundings. And yet, if we stop for a little break, she'll immediately fall back into her restlessness - unless she has my full and undivided attention. Eye-contact and all. 

It's a double edged sword; while I'm happy that she feels safe with me, I can't really be hands-on in every single situation.

What does me being hands-off mean? Say we're out on a walk and I start talking to a neighbor or a stranger. She'll sit and look at me and silently whimper. Then she'll start frantically looking around and god forbid anything or anyone passes by, because she'll fall into her barking routine. When I am hands-on, things are a little different. I'm reinforcing her sit and if I sense that someone is making her nervous, I'll make eye contact and reinforce. She's still nervous, pretty much, but she demonstrates a lot of impulse control because I'm telling her exactly what to do.

When we're alone, it works. When we're not, it's a lottery.

The reason why I'm writing this blog post is transparency. I'm a huge advocate for keeping it real and telling the truth. This is my truth: every dog is unique and sometimes you adopt a soul who you love more than the universe itself but life with them can be a challenge.

Sometimes Bailey's anxieties really affect and exhaust me. Sometimes I want some physical space, but I give into Bailey sitting on my lap or lying tight next to me, breathing into me, because she's finally resting after a whole day of being nervous over trivial things. Sometimes I wish for her to be normal. Sometimes I spend hours deciding whether I'll take her someplace new with me or is it too triggering for her. Sometimes I feel misunderstood by my friends and family who think I should be tougher on her. Sometimes I worry about what would happen to Bailey if something happens to me. I'm sure my family would step up, but Bailey attaches to one human and places into them the only feeling of safety she's capable of having.

For her, the whole world is a dangerous place. But within that world, she has found an anchor.

An anchor that she can rely on, that encourages her in new situations and around new people, that handles every situation and always ensures her safety. I am that anchor. No matter the situation, my priority is to always make sure she feels as safe as possible. I think she appreciates that. I've trained her that every time something triggers her, instead of hysterically reacting to it (either by barking or running away), she looks to me instead and I'll tell her what to do. (Mostly it's either sit or heel but it always involves eye-contact).

It works for us. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of myself!

But sometimes this strategy leads to some very co-dependent moments on her part and those are pretty tiring for me.

It's a work in progress.

I try my best to help her be more self-sufficient. I don't let her follow me around the house. If I work long hours, I put her to sleep in our room. I encourage her to sleep on her mat when she is with me in my home office.

She gets a lot of mental and physical exercise.

I let her seek safe space with Chilly when she needs to. I ease her into new situations and we always take things step-by-step. It's a lot of work and a lot of management. But she teaches me how to be patient and how to communicate better.

She teaches me how to tune into her without completely losing myself. She teaches me the art of letting go, the art of waiting and above all, the art of loving unconditionally, even on our worst days.

I know this isn't a blog post full of useful tips. Instead, it's a blog post that doesn't glorify having a rescue and doesn't lie to you that positive reinforcement isn't a lot work. Of course it is.

In my opinion, it's the most gratifying work I have ever done and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

All thanks to my co-dependent bug Bailey! Funny how life always gives you exactly what you need, huh?

Tell me, in what ways do you ensure your dog's self sufficiency? Do you have a co-dependent dog as well? How are you handling it? Let's learn from each other and expand our horizons! 

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